Conscience as a Service

July 5, 2017 ยท 2 minute read

Posted in: politics culture snark

I am now offering Conscience-as-a-Service to select clients. This service is intended to allow conscience-free individuals to interact on a moral basis with normal human beings.

Here’s how it works:

  1. We sign a contract putting me on retainer as your conscience; you agree to disclose all of your major business and life decisions to me before you make them. You may, at your discretion, disclose minor business and life decisions to me either before or after the fact.
  2. I sign a non-disclosure agreement; I will not share with anyone the matters you consult with me on unless I am legally compelled to do so.
  3. I advise you on the morality of any actions you propose to undertake, and/or guide you in moral decision-making.
  4. Should you consult me after the fact, and I find your judgement to be immoral, I will privately shame you for your decision.

It’s that simple!

I am seeking especially clients in Washington, DC; Silicon Valley; and Wall Street.


Your particular field of business or government may have its own ethical rules. While they are likely to be less stringent than the moral standards I will impose on you, they are also likely to be more particular in ways that I, as a generalist, cannot forsee. My advice should never be taken to allow you to violate the legal or ethical requirements of your profession.

I am not responsible for any legal, financial, or relationship consequences of you following or not following my advice. I’m a prosthetic conscience, not a lawyer, investment counsellor, or therapist.

You are strongly urged to consult me before you are sure that you need to. After all, the issue is that you do not have a conscience; you cannot be relied on to determine when you need one.

Shaming for immoral decisions may not be limited to contacts initiated by you, and may include messages or phone calls at inconvenient times, such as in the dark hours of the morning.


You may contact me by any of the means on the front page of this site regarding my offer to act as your conscience. I hope to hear from you!

Share on Mastodon | Follow on Mastodon